I have chosen this particular medium–my personal blog, trafficked by tens of readers completely uninterested in politics–to announce my availability as a freelance political fixer.

Am I connected? No, I am not. I am totally unknown in the political environment, where “connected” means “I can and will tell other power players about your feather fetish when I’m loaded.”

Politicians, you do not need “connected.” You need anonymity, and journalistic experience, and some understanding of both irony and the way popular culture works. You also need ideas, because, let’s face it, you made a decision to enter the world of politics, which indicates at least a modicum of developmental disability.

I can provide creative and effective solutions to any public official’s PR crisis, because A) I have extensive experience gauging public perceptions, and positioning various events to harmonize with those perceptions; B) I possess an outsider’s viewpoint, closer to that of the general public than any insider’s detached and distorted vantage; and C) I’m tired of being neutral and poor, and would like to take a crack at being evil and affluent for a few years, before paper money goes back to being something you lay on top of the cornbread and cut around to make sure every leper gets the same portion.

My resume? Fuck you, that’s my resume.

But here are a couple of examples of my manipulative prowess:

I could’ve fixed Weinergate. Dude isn’t looking at the big picture. His political career is over–there’s no way around that. But I could’ve turned a national embarrassment into both a lucrative second act and a poignant statement about the American political machine’s woefully misplaced priorities by having the congressman claim he’d become so disillusioned by the system that he engineered the leak in hopes of being discovered, so that he might shed some beneficial light on our collective obsession with the drama rather than the issues. He would’ve felt like a quitter had he simply resigned, so he sacrificed his own reputation in order to be removed from office and answer his true lifelong calling–helping various non-profits gain national attention via his own unfortunate celebrity. Hello, grudging respect and the lecture circuit!

Nice, right?

And:

I can still fix Rick Scott’s governorship. I can’t go into too many details here, ’cause shit still might happen. I am confident, however, that I can not only reverse Governor Scott’s nosediving popularity, but also get the thieving megalomaniacal douche re-elected. (Hey, I didn’t vote for him–you get what you deserve, and my dogs need their anal glands “expressed,” and vets are expensive.) It’s an inspired and Machiavellian scheme, so complex yet so classic in its elements, and it begins with three simple words: fake assassination attempt.

You like that shit, duly elected representatives? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg formed by the illegally dumped toxic waste sent to circle the North Pole and accumulate more climate-changing frozen mass with each go-round; I have not yet begun to defile the American political landscape. One hundred grand per fix, cash only–no, don’t DM me, jackass, that right there is a large part of why you need my ingenious amorality (read: common fucking sense), call Neil at The Rex, we’ll set something up.