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From the Secret Santa Files: Milkshake Instructions

This was part of the Secret Santa gift I gave one of my co-workers, David. David has a problem with milkshakes.


(Drive-Thru Specific)


1   When you receive your milkshake through the drive-thru window, do not immediately crush the cup in your overwhelming excitement. Show a little restraint, for Christ’s sake. It’s not the Holy Grail freshly topped off with water from the Fountain of Youth. It’s a fucking milkshake.

2   Resist the urge to chew through the lid of your milkshake. People can see you. Place your milkshake in your vehicle’s cup holder or, if your vehicle lacks an appropriate cup holder, between your legs, tightly against your crotch. Tighter. Yes, that’s right.

3   Retrieve your straw from your bag of food or, if you only ordered a milkshake, from the hand the drive-thru guy has been holding out through the window for 30 seconds while you were fantasizing about pouring your milkshake all over your face, possibly in slow motion while Van Halen plays.

4   Remove the paper covering from your straw. (Derf.)

5   Gently press the straw down on the designated area of your milkshake’s lid until the straw passes through the lid. Do not attempt to stab the lid of your milkshake. The lid of your milkshake is not a symbol of every mistake you’ve ever made, it’s just the lid of your milkshake. Be gentle. Save that shit for the firing range.

6   If you must drink some of your milkshake before you reach your destination, remember to keep your eyes on the road, and to be gentle. Think of yourself as a 14-year-old, and of your milkshake as a young (but appropriately aged) girl’s breast–you’re trying to achieve your goal without looking directly at it or, God forbid, squeezing too hard.

7   When you reach your destination, do not immediately snatch your milkshake from its position. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Dude, remember, it’s a milkshake. I know you’re excited, but A MILKSHAKE IS HEAVIER THAN, LIKE, A SODA. Overcompensating for mass is the Number One cause of you smashing your cup and spilling milkshake all over your car and shit. DON’T DO THAT, BRO. Be stronger than your desires. Lift your milkshake from its resting place in a gentle lifting motion, and go on about your leaving-the-car routine–it’s cool, everybody has one.

8   ENJOY!