Tag Archives: satire

LAWBI #75: Democrats, It’s Time for a Rebrand

Democrat DonkeyWe long ago reached the point at which government became analogous to corporate competition. It’s Coke vs. Pepsi. And if the government shutdown was the Republican Party’s New Coke moment, then the Democrats squandered their opportunity to capitalize on it with HealthCare.gov — a Crystal Pepsi debacle of their own, if you will.

What do corporations do when they’re desperately in need of a boost for their market share, and their big new product has tanked? They rebrand. If you’re not familiar with marketing, a “rebrand” is — to both criminally trivialize and accurately describe it — a reworking of all of the most superficial public elements of a company’s identity, while making the fewest possible changes to the actual way the company’s sausage gets made.

Great at ideas, and terrible at getting things done, the Democratic Party is a perfect candidate for a rebrand. There’s no need to change its fundamental ideology or process; a few key changes to the standard verbiage should put a whole new face on left-wing politics, for a start. Let’s take a look at what can be done to make our liberal leaders a bit more attractive to a wider audience.

Read the rest at Creative Loafing 

LAWBI #69: The Politician’s Dictionary

Look: At some point, everybody misuses certain words.

It’s just a fact of life. At some point today, you’re going to be having a conversation with someone, and they’re going to say “literally” when they mean the polar opposite of “literally,” or “over” when they mean “more than,” or “chromatophore” when they mean “three-ring binder,” or whatever. Sure, it can be irritating, particularly if you’re obsessed with exactitude, or just someone with a respect for the language.

Usually, though, it’s not really that big a deal, because usually, you know what the person misusing the word is trying to say.

Politicians, though, are another story. When a politician misuses certain words, the results can be provocative or even downright disastrous. Generally not for the politician in question, but more often for the people who misunderstand what the politician intends.

Were I a more cynical person, I might suspect that politicians occasionally attempt to redefine certain words to fit and color their respective agendas. Luckily, I’m not; I just think that our duly elected representatives sometimes throw out a 50-cent word without looking it up, that’s all.

So, in the interest of education, clarity and avoiding any unpleasant miscommunications, let’s take a look at some of the terms most often misused by politicians — and exactly what they mean.

Read the rest at Creative Loafing … 

9 Web Thingies I’ve Heard of but Never Used, and What I Assume They Do

Formspring – It’s a mattress company. Or maybe undergarments, for awesome curvy ladies.

Del.icio.us – A DIY porn site by some louche asshole named Del, which is weird, because I always thought Del was short for Delbert.

Quora – A non-profit dedicated to the reaching of agreeable means and positions, serving as a shining example of tolerance for the rest of the world. Or, I dunno, more porn, dedicated to an obscure goddess and vaguely sci-fi in nature.


Hipmunk – Also a first person shooter, in which players vote on the popularity of anthropomorphic animal GIFs by ironically “shooting” at them while Journey songs play.

Fab – Shit, I dunno, a social networking site for gay men? In, like, Missouri? In the ’70s?

Mashable – This may be totally off-base, but it sounds like teens talking about other teens and celebrities they’d like to make out with. You know, like maybe some new slang with which I’m “not down?” Is Justin Bieber mashable?

Kindle – Tasteful softcore-tinted dating service for the olds.

Dropbox – Like Craigslist, but without anything that doesn’t involve strangers hooking up in bathrooms.

My 8 Tech Startups

RenderTender (something something automated video file changes backup something)

Prick.ly (a website for people who like to eat cacti and look at dongs)

Squirrel.ly (a phone app and social network that shares pictures of what you and your friends would look like as late-stage meth heads)

FrySpace (cooking site dedicated to the battered arts)

Bitchr (messaging app that helps you compose scathing critical texts)

LudeTunes (slows any audio file to half-speed)

Necktar (online tie sales. but not just ties! ascots and scarves and garrotes and shit, too)

RedBrd (tweets guys whenever a ladyfriend’s, erm, cycle is approaching. with a cute cardinal icon!)

LAWBI A Finalist in the 2011 AltWeekly Awards!

How about that?

The folks over at the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies have announced the finalists for their annual awards program, and Life As We Blow It has made the final bracket in the Blog (Individual) category.

This bitchspace has a long and intimate history with the Tampa edition of storied alt-weekly chain Creative Loafing. The crew over there helped make LAWBI a reality after I left my full-time position as a CL staffer; most of the best stuff here ran in its print edition, and they continue to throw me work now and again. I’m totally indebted to David, Joe, Leilani, James, Eric, Ham Gravy, Alex and the rest–obviously, without that association, this honor and exposure wouldn’t have been possible.

Wish I could make the AAN shindig in New Orleans on July 22, but I believe I’m taking down several linear miles of chain-link fence that day, which is much cooler than drinking and snarking with other alt-weekly writers. (Glurt.)