I have chosen this particular medium–my personal blog, trafficked by tens of readers completely uninterested in politics–to announce my availability as a freelance political fixer.

Am I connected? No, I am not. I am totally unknown in the political environment, where “connected” means “I can and will tell other power players about your feather fetish when I’m loaded.”

Politicians, you do not need “connected.” You need anonymity, and journalistic experience, and some understanding of both irony and the way popular culture works. You also need ideas, because, let’s face it, you made a decision to enter the world of politics, which indicates at least a modicum of developmental disability.

I can provide creative and effective solutions to any public official’s PR crisis, because A) I have extensive experience gauging public perceptions, and positioning various events to harmonize with those perceptions; B) I possess an outsider’s viewpoint, closer to that of the general public than any insider’s detached and distorted vantage; and C) I’m tired of being neutral and poor, and would like to take a crack at being evil and affluent for a few years, before paper money goes back to being something you lay on top of the cornbread and cut around to make sure every leper gets the same portion.

My resume? Fuck you, that’s my resume.

But here are a couple of examples of my manipulative prowess: Continue reading →